Smirk

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Smirk
Details
Type	NPC
Location	Mêlée Island
Voice actor	Jarion Monroe
Related	Sea of Thieves: The Legend of Monkey Island

Just want you to know, I don't do this with just anyone. But I'm gonna put you up against... THE LEGENDARY MACHINE!

— Captain Smirk, The Quest for Guybrush

Captain Smirk is an NPC featured in Sea of Thieves: The Legend of Monkey Island. He originates from the Monkey Island series of video games.

Dialogue

The Quest for Guybrush

Knocking at Smirk's Hut:

Captain Smirk

What in the world...

Disturbing me at this time of night...

Ought to show a little respect...

Where'd I put the... Oh, there it is.

(Smirk opens the door.)

What do you want?

Knocking again at Captain Smirk's door anytime after the first knock and before he lets you in:

Captain Smirk

NOW what do you want?!

The dialogue options offered after Smirk answers the door can vary depending on if the player has any Pieces o' Eight in their inventory not not.

Without any Pieces o' Eight:

Well? You got my attention. What do you want?

 
I hear you offer sword training.

Yeah, well, you heard wrong. Maybe that was true a long time ago, but not any more.
Who do you think cut down the trees, planed the wood, hauled it to the river and rebuilt the bridge with their own two hands? Me, that's who!
Why did you go to all that trouble?
Because I thought maybe I could keep away all the pirate wannabes who come to my door and bother me. So much for that idea.
Now let me guess... You want me to train you to be better than the Sword Master?
I want to be better than the Legend of Monkey Island!
Ah ha ha ha ha! Oh, that's priceless!
Listen, there isn't a pirate alive better than the Legend of Monkey Island. To even come close would take years of practice and the quickest wits in the Caribbean.
But business has been slow since Guybrush became Governor. I guess I am getting a little low on funds...
I'm also a little low on funds... Sorry.

Captain Smirk

Stop wasting my time!

With Pieces o' Eight:

Well? You got my attention. What do you want?

 
I hear you offer sword training.

Yeah, well, you heard wrong. Maybe that was true a long time ago, but not any more.
Who do you think cut down the trees, planed the wood, hauled it to the river and rebuilt the bridge with their own two hands? Me, that's who!
Why did you go to all that trouble?
Because I thought maybe I could keep away all the pirate wannabes who come to my door and bother me. So much for that idea.
Now let me guess... You want me to train you to be better than the Sword Master?
I want to be better than the Legend of Monkey Island!
Ah ha ha ha ha! Oh, that's priceless!
Listen, there isn't a pirate alive better than the Legend of Monkey Island. To even come close would take years of practice and the quickest wits in the Caribbean.
But business has been slow since Guybrush became Governor. I guess I am getting a little low on funds...
I have plenty of money...
You do, huh? Tell you what, it won't help you match up to the Legend of Monkey Island, but if you can pay my fee, I'll teach you what I can.
IF, that is, you can prove you're serious by showing me your Mighty Pirate Sword. So do it!

Showing the Mighty Pirate Sword to Smirk:

Captain Smirk

That's what I wanted to see. A blade fit for the Legend of Monkey Island! I guess you can come inside...

Interacting with Smirk inside the hut before paying for training:

...

 

Paying Smirk to begin training:

Captain Smirk

(Front door shuts.)

I remember the day Guybrush Threepwood came knocking on my door, just like you did.

I thought he was a wimpy little maggot who wouldn't last ten seconds against the Sword Master!

But now he's the Legend of Monkey Island, and a role model for pirates everywhere.

Just goes to show what you can accomplish if you believe in yourself.

Now, I'm sure you're a big fan, and the idea of facing a living legend churns your guts up inside.

Well I say you've gotta face that fear and use it to make you stronger.

Just want you to know, I don't do this with just anyone. But I'm gonna put you up against... THE LEGENDARY MACHINE!

(Smirk pulls the cloth away, revealing the Legendary Machine; a dramatic sting plays.)
(Captain Smirk walks behind the machine.)

I think we can skip the basics. You've come this far, and any pirate can swing a lump of metal around.

It's not just what you do, it's what you say that matters!

Let's start simple. Use your sword to block the machine's attacks.

(Captain Smirk operates the machine, moving it forward to attack the player.)

During training:

Captain Smirk

(While operating The Legendary Machine.)

I attack, you defend. That's how this part works!

(The Legendary Machine attacks, prompting the player to block its attacks.)
If the player fails to attack:

Not like that! Use your sword to block my attacks

If the player successfully defends:

Now it's your turn. Attack the machine!

(The Legendary Machine leans forward.)
If the player doesn't attack:

Don't just stand there. Swing that sword of yours!

After the player attacks:

But what if, while we were fighting, I were to suddenly say...

My swordplay will amaze you!

(The player is offered a selection of Retorts to choose from.)
After the player responds with an incorrect retort:

That wasn't a retort! When I say...

My swordplay will amaze you!

You should come back with something like...

Yeah – I'm amazed you've lasted this long.

• Time to protect yourself!
• Be ready to block my attacks!
• My turn to attack!

(The Legendary Machine attacks, prompting the pirate to block its attacks.)

Let's try another.

My deeds are spoken of worldwide!

(The player is offered a selection of Retorts to choose from.)
After the players responds with an incorrect retort:

No, no, try something more like...

Well, everyone loves a good joke.

• Time to protect yourself!
• Be ready to block my attacks!
• My turn to attack!

(The Legendary Machine attacks, prompting the pirate to sword block its attacks.)

Let's try another.

My swordplay will amaze you!

(The player is offered a selection of Retorts to choose from.)
After responding with the correct retort:

Come at me again!

(The Legendary Machine leans forward.)

That's more like it. Now, try insulting me!

(The player is offered a selection of Insults to choose from.)
After responding with either of the two insults:

I'm shaking, I'm shaking!

(The Legendary Machine leans forward. The player may then attack and training will end.)

After Training ends:, and Smirks walks out to beside the machine:

Captain Smirk

(Captain Smirk unmans The Legendary Machine and walks out to beside the machine.)

You've learned everything I can teach you. All you can do now is get out there and learn as many insults as you can.

Here's a map with locations that are popular among swordfighters. Go and pick some fights!

When you're ready to challenge the Sword Master, you'll know it.

As for me, I should probably fix up the machine. It's been a long time since it's taken such a beating.

Now go on, get outta here!

(The front door opens and the Quest Book updates.)

Interaction after training:

I told you, there's no more I can teach you. Follow the map I gave you and find some real opponents to practise trading insults!

 

Approaching Carla's House:

Carla

LeChuck has some nerve, sending his cronies to attack me in my own home!

Captain Smirk

We've been in worse spots than this, Carla. Remember Port Royal?

Carla

I remember you still owe me a new hat!

After defeating Ribbsy:

Carla

That should send LeChuck a message. Don't mess with the Legend of Monkey Island... or his friends.

Captain Smirk

This sure wasn't how I expected things to go, but now you can tell the Pirate Leaders you fought with the Sword Master.

Nobody ever said it had to be on different sides.

Carla

And this medallion will be your proof. If you're trying to complete the Three Trials, you'll need it.

Interaction after giving Carla's Medallion to Corina:

Ahh, I'd almost forgotten the thrill of a good battle. Fighting the Legendary Machine just isn't the same!

 
What are you doing out here?

If you must know, I was impressed enough by your training session that I got to thinking - you might actually stand a chance of beating the Sword Master.
Carla and I have known each other for a long time, so I snuck out here to warn her you might be turning up on her doorstep. Fair is fair.
But thanks to LeChuck's crew butting in, that's a brawl you two don't need to have. I bet even the Legend of Monkey Island would be impressed with your performance!

Those were some... unusual insults.

Noticed that, did you? When you train to the level of a Sword Master, you learn some really good taunts that most pirates have never even heard.
Lucky for you, you'd picked up enough comebacks to hold your own against Mister Glow-bones back there.
There may come a day when you'll need to think up your own insults on the spot. Don't forget what you've learned out there!

What will you do now?

Honestly, I just want to catch my breath. Some of those insults can really take it out of a guy, and I'm no spring chicken!
Then I'll probably spend some time with Carla and talk about the good old days. There was this time out at Port Royal where we were cornered, and she said...
Heh. Perhaps that's a story for another time. You've got Trials to conquer!

Interaction after completing Corina's plan:

I can't believe we got hoodwinked into thinking Threepwood was some kind of living legend! He'd better not show his face around my hut!

 

Appearances

• The Quest for Guybrush